Harry Potter, Demon Magnet
by Tanzy
Summary: When Harry Potter turned 17, he discovered he had a special power he'd much rather do without. Harry Potter was, to put it simply, a demon magnet. Slash undertones.
1. Default Chapter

Harry Potter, Demon Magnet - Chapter One  
  
Written by: Tanzy  
  
This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.  
  
Warnings: Spoilers for some of the books. Author's notes at the end.  
  
When Harry Potter turned 17, he discovered he had a special power he'd much rather do without. Harry Potter was, to put it simply, a demon magnet. Of all the magnet properties he could have chosen for himself, demon was most definitely not one of them. Candy magnet, sure. Snitch magnet, oh hell yes. Chick magnet, definite yes. Even perhaps overly-feminine boy magnet he could handle. But demon magnet? That was almost as bad as being a Malfoy magnet. Though, given the way Malfoy stared at him some days, Harry wondered if he didn't have that power as well.  
  
They weren't even nifty demons like succubae either. They were all ugly and nasty and definitely not amused at meeting The Boy Who Now Attracts Demons. Harry did have to admit the demons didn't taste all that bad. Kind of peppery with a slight hint of what Harry hoped was garlic. It was entirely possible that extra seasoning was brimstone. He hadn't meant to start eating them. Honestly. He'd been in Professor Vector's room trying to track down a protractor demon when the damn thing had jumped into his mouth. It was natural instinct to swallow.  
  
When Hermione found out that he was the equivalent of Demon Monthly's newest cover boy she thought it was the most amazing thing ever. The possibilities for research on banishing charms and repellents were endless. She had all but dragged Harry to the library to do research with her. Then one of the book demons had gnawed a rather large section of her hair off. After that it was, "We must go straight to the Headmaster! Who knows what kind of danger you could get into?" Her indignant rage somewhat marred by the fact that she had a large bite shaped chunk of hair missing on her right side.  
  
Ron, on the other hand was completely put off by the idea. How was Harry supposed to devote all his time to Quidditch and Wizard Chess with demons popping in all over the place? His opinion of the situation suddenly reversed one evening when a variety of goo demon exploded all over his most recent Christmas jumper, utterly ruining the thing. Ron could barely hold back his tears when he wrote home to tell his mother of its demise. His sorrow was almost palatable. Mrs. Weasley of course could never deny her son and much to Ron's dismay a new even more horrid jumper showed up in the mail by the end of the next week. Ron could be heard muttering about mocking fate for several days afterwards until Hermione finally told him to shut up or she was going to make him write his History essay with no help at all.  
  
Ron tried to shut up. Succeeded for the most part, except for the occasional comment or quip. He ended up doing his essay alone with a rather sore bump on his head.  
  
But both Hermione and Ron were equally horrified when they discovered that Harry had started eating the demons. It was one thing to fight demons in your spare time between classes and Quidditch practice, but who knew they'd taste good char broiled? The trio spent long hours in the Gryffindor common room discussing the whole issue. One night Dean happened to join the conversation and wondered if perhaps Snape himself wasn't a demon, which would go miles to explain why the teacher seemed to hate Harry.  
  
"Well, if Snape's a demon, then maybe you can eat him too! Then I wouldn't have to finish this stupid potions essay!" Ron muttered with a fair dose of annoyance. Harry and Dean just stared at Ron for a moment. Ron grinned uncertainly, "...okay, maybe not. It was just a suggestion." A moment later he was buried under pillows as the other two boys attacked.  
  
Several days later after Potions class, Harry spotted a demon trying to set fire to Malfoy's homework. Harry smirked and waited to see what it would do, no point in rushing his work. After all, Malfoy should be more aware of demons dancing about on his desk. Yes, that was it. The demon cackled and not only set fire to the homework but the entire desk as well.  
  
Harry meeped, he hadn't expected that. Rushing forward he snatched up the demon and shoved it into his mouth, glad that all the other students had already left.  
  
Draco stared.  
  
Harry burped.  
  
Malfoy continued to stare in something bordering on horror as the other boy smacked his lips. "Did you...err...." Draco seemed at a loss for words.  
  
"Did I just eat that nasty little blue flaming demon that was dancing on the ashes of your desk? Yes." Harry patted his stomach and walked out of the room.  
  
Draco gave some serious thought to calling St. Mungos and arranging a pick- up for one Harry Potter, who appeared to have gone stark raving mad.  
  
He went screaming for his dad instead.  
  
That night at dinner Harry noticed that Draco seemed to be staring at him. More than normal anyway. Which is to say, Draco was pretty much just sitting there and staring at Harry and not doing a whole lot else. Harry was convinced that it had to be that Malfoy magnet power. He conjured up a mental image of a giant switch with the words "Malfoy Magnet" written on it. Harry switched it off.  
  
The majority of the Gryffindor table exchanged nervous looks when Harry Potter started tittering madly. The boy had been acting Weird lately. When Ron finally asked Harry what was so amusing, he wasn't sure what to make of the answer of, "Oh, nothing, I was just wondering if I could reverse the polarity on this magnet."  
  
When they were done with dinner Harry sauntered over past the Slytherin table where Draco was still staring at him. "Don't worry, you'll be fine, Malfoy," Harry informed him. He leaned over and smiled like he was imparting important information, "I've turned it off, so no need to continue staring," Harry grinned and walked off.  
  
Malfoy continued to watch Potter as we walked off, unblinking, positive that if he blinked he'd miss the moment when Potter imploded. Sadly, nothing happened before he disappeared out of view.  
  
The next morning Harry was called to Snape's office after breakfast to meet with him and Lucius Malfoy. Lucius smirked as Potter walked into the small office. From what Draco has said the boy had gone completely loony.  
  
Harry noticed Lucius's cane move out the corner of his eye. Ah-ha! He'd always suspected that freakish cane was weird. He froze.  
  
He stared at the cane for a moment, daring it to move again. The cane stared back. Lucius looked down at Potter warily, unsure why the boy had taken a sudden interest in his walking stick. Snape looked back and worth between the two of them, not having the foggiest clue what was going on. Except that Potter seemed to be having some kind of staring contest with the elder Malfoy's cane.  
  
Harry lunged forward suddenly grappling at Lucius's cane and tried to gnaw off the head.  
  
"Ow, my foof!" Harry clutched at his mouth as he leapt back and stared wildly at the cane.  
  
"What the hell?" Snape managed to utter.  
  
"I faid, OW. MY FOOF," Harry mumbled before removing his hands, "I mean, I said, Ow, my tooth!"  
  
Lucius and Snape just stared at Harry for a long moment. Lucius started to edge behind Snape's desk slowly.  
  
"I think I might have chipped a tooth on your damn cane."  
  
Lucius bristled, "Serves you right, you loopy freak! This cane wasn't made to be chewed on!" He paused for a moment and looked at Potter suspiciously, "Out of curiosity, why were you trying to bite my cane anyway? Ignoring for a moment that you've obviously lost whatever sanity you had."  
  
Harry blinked at him, "I thought there was a demon in your cane."  
  
"Er...you what?"  
  
"Your cane winked at me," Harry punctuated the remark with another intense glare at said cane.  
  
Lucius hastily shoved the cane under Snape's desk lest Potter got any ideas and try to gnaw on it some more, "Of course it winked at you! It's an enchanted cane, you loon!"  
  
"Oh..." Harry seemed at a loss for a moment. "Are you sure it's not really a demon masquerading as a cane?" he asked hopefully. Lucius jumped behind Snape in response and shoved the teacher in Harry's direction.  
  
"Of course it's not!" Lucius said frantically, saying the first thing that came to mind, "but Severus has a demon hiding under his robes!"  
  
Harry looked revolted for a moment, "Eww. What is it with people and trying to get me to eat Snape?" Harry paused for a moment then brightened, "Well, if there's no demon here I suppose I should hurry up and get over to Mandy Brocklehurst's room, she's got a demon trying to freeze her clothes." With that Harry ran out of the room.  
  
Lucius sat down in Snape's chair and wondered if a stiff drink wouldn't be such a bad idea. Snape turned and stalked over, glaring.  
  
"Sacrifice me to the stark raving lunatic to save yourself, was that the plan?"  
  
Lucius looked around the room for anything resembling a liquor cabinet while refusing to meet Snape's glare. "Effectively."  
  
Snape felt decidedly hung over as he practically crawled into class the next morning. Lucius hadn't taken well to having his stick gummed by a crazy Harry Potter and had been determined to drink as much alcohol as possible. The bottom of a particularly strong bottle of fire whiskey had reduced him to possessively polishing his cane and muttering about teaching Potter to know better than to bite other people's sticks. It had almost reminded Snape of his days at school.  
  
"You look particularly chipper this morning, Professor," an obscenely cheerful voice chirped as Snape slunk over to his desk. He looked up. Snape blinked several times, rubbed his eyes and looked at Draco again.  
  
The boy was wearing a hot pink miniskirt and a gray-green waist coast. His rather shapely pale legs emerging out of the tight skirt to stretch down towards the floor. Not that Snape was noticing his student's firm attractive legs. Not in the slightest.  
  
Yet again Snape wondered if drinking that entire bottle of Visions Tequila had been the best of ideas. He'd never heard of people continuing to hallucinate after the alcohol wore off though. Snape came to the conclusion that he must still be drunk then. Deciding to go along with his little hallucinations, Snape smiled wanly at Malfoy.  
  
"Care to explain the choice of," Snape paused and tried to think of an appropriate word, "attire, Mr. Malfoy?"  
  
"Today is a practical exam in Muggle studies. We're being forced to dress like them," Draco managed to imbue just enough scorn and condescension into his words that they very nearly dripped all over the room.  
  
Snape continued to stare at him for a moment. Finally he looked around the room and noticed that many of the other members of the class were attired in weird looking clothes. None of them seemed as scantily clad as Draco though.  
  
"Did you perhaps forget the lower half of your costume?" Snape was positive at this point that he must still be very very drunk and passed out in his private quarters. This was just some bad trip. Snape had a brief traitorous thought that this couldn't be worse than the one he'd had about Lockhart and whipped cream.  
  
"No, see, this is a mini-skirt," Malfoy gestured at the pink thing clinging to his hips and not a whole lot else.  
  
"That's not your belt?" Giggles spread quietly through the class at Snape's obvious discomfort.  
  
Draco pouted, "Honestly, Professor. It's a skirt." Snape could have sworn he heard Granger mutter something about hookers and Malfoy's mother during the 80s but he wasn't sure, since his vision had been blurring quite nicely when she said it. And he really wasn't trusting his ears anymore.  
  
"I was under the impression that most Muggle men wore pants."  
  
"Well, those are a little too constricting for my taste." Again Snape could have sworn he heard Granger mutter something about miniskirts being even more constrictive. Malfoy grinned maliciously and very nearly leered.  
  
"Well, if you must know, it's..."  
  
"Actually, no, I must not. In fact, it's quite imperative that you don't tell me," Snape managed to cut in before Draco could go into graphic details. He continued to mutter to himself, ignoring the hallucination of his class, "The entire school has gone stark raving mad. First Potter. Now Malfoy. Thank god this is an hallucination."  
  
"Honestly, Professor Snape, Potter's loonier than Wendelin the Weird, I don't see why I can't be a tad bit crazy too."  
  
Snape scowled as the comment brought back memories of the day before, "20 points from Gryffindor for letting Potter go crazy. Oh, and detention too."  
  
When Snape had finally realized that he was actually sober again and that Malfoy and Potter weren't bad hallucinations they'd both been sent up to see Dumbledore. Not that they'd seen the Headmaster in the hour they'd been sitting there. Harry fidgeted uncomfortably in one of the chairs.  
  
"Stop fidgeting, Potter. It's annoying," Draco said with a glare before reaching down to adjust himself.  
  
"Would you kindly not touch yourself when I'm in the same room?" Harry said, ripping his eyes away from the sight.  
  
"Can't help it, this damn skirt is bloody uncomfortable," Malfoy said with a sigh and sank back into the chair, his legs splayed out in front of him. Harry decided to stare fervently at a corner of wall that was located on the opposite side of the room from Draco.  
  
"Well, if you'd wear normal Muggle clothes that weren't designed to be worn during se...." Harry trailed off suddenly as he noticed a little demon creeping out of one of the cabinets. It was an interesting shade of gray. Looked tasty. He grinned suddenly and pounced.  
  
"Worn during what?" Malfoy asked with exasperation before freezing as Potter pounced. Thankfully not on him.  
  
The demon was halfway to Harry's mouth when a voice interrupted them, "I really do hope you're not eating my dust demons, Harry. They're a rather nasty chalky taste." Dumbledore smiled with amusement when Harry dropped the demon with disgust. He made his way over to his desk and sat down, sighing as he relaxed into the chair. "So, my dear boys, what brings you both to my office today?"  
  
"He's gone loony," both boys said and pointed at each other.  
  
"No I haven't."  
  
"Yes, you have!" They glared at each other.  
  
"I see. It all becomes clear to me now," Dumbledore smiled again as they both looked at him in surprise.  
  
"It does?"  
  
"Of course, and there's only one thing to do," Dumbledore opened a drawer in his desk and rummaged around for a second. "Lemon drops anyone?"  
  
"What are you talking about? That doesn't help at all!" Draco demanded as Harry simultaneously asked, "No thank you, but got any scrumptious demons?"  
  
Draco turned and stared at Harry, "You. Are. Not. Helping."  
  
Harry shrugged, "It didn't hurt to ask." He pouted.  
  
End chapter 1.  
  
Author's notes: This story wouldn't be possible without Koanju, who provided the first line of the story and let me run with it. She's also responsible for demons having a hint of brimstone in their flavor. A big thank you to Katie and May as well for encouraging me along. 


	2. Chapter 2

Title: Harry Potter, Demon Magnet  
  
By: tanzy  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Summary: When Harry Potter turned 17, he discovered he had a special power he'd much rather do without. Harry Potter was, to put it simply, a demon magnet.  
  
DISCLAIMER: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.  
  
Chapter 2: It was just before Halloween when Harry met the King of All Scrumptious Demons.Harry was minding his own business at Quidditch practice when he noticed what seemed to be a giant flaming Bludger flying towards him. Instincts overrode any sense of curiosity and he dodged out of the way as it rocketed past him.  
  
Harry blinked.  
  
Was it his imagination or had that Bludger muttered, "Bugger, missed him," as it had whistled by? He definitely didn't remember Hooch mentioning anything about any of the new equipment talking. For that matter, he didn't remember anything about flaming equipment either. Unless you counted Malfoy, but that was a different matter entirely.  
  
"Aiiieeeeeee, die Potter, die!" the thing screeched as it flew past him again. Harry rolled his eyes.  
  
"Honestly, if you're going to attack me, at least try saying something original," he informed the flaming blob. "I hear that phrase a good 2 or 3 times a day, it's starting to get really old." The blob paused in the air in front of Harry for a moment, surprised.  
  
"Oh, I see," it said. The flames died down a little bit revealing the flying mass of flame to in fact be a large Jack-o-Lantern. It chuckled uncertainly. "Well then. Got any suggestions for creative ways to attack you? I'm all out I'm afraid."  
  
Harry just looked at the thing.  
  
"Right. I'll just be going then, shall I?" the thing started to float off, looking rather lost. It came zooming back a moment later when it realized something. "Wait a second, I don't care if you hear 'die Potter, die' a million times a day! You will listen and tremble in fear before the awesome power of The Great and Powerful Pumpkinhead!" It paused dramatically, waiting for a reaction from Harry. When he just rolled his eyes again and started flying back towards the pitch the Great Pumpkinhead floated hurriedly after him, "Hey, wait up! Don't fly away when I'm talking to you!"  
  
The thing floated hurriedly in front of Harry, forcing him to halt in mid air. "Where are you going? I wasn't done talking to you!" Harry smirked.  
  
"To get a fork and knife. Pumpkin for desert sounds awfully tempting."  
  
The Great Pumpkin blanched and the flames around it almost sputtered out entirely. "Now look here, that's just what I've come to talk to you about. You can't go around eating demons!"  
  
"Why not? They're awfully yummy." Harry grinned unrepentantly as the demon pumpkin shuddered.  
  
"Well, I'm sort of the defacto King of Demons around here and I say." The Great Pumpkinhead trailed off at the look on Harry's face, "Why are you looking at me like that?"  
  
"Why are you the defacto Demon King?"  
  
"Because you ate the last 3 Kings. Which is why you can't just go around eating demons as you please!" the demon answered hotly.  
  
"Then stop appearing! And definitely stop jumping in my mouth, that's just asking for it!"  
  
"Keep your mouth shut like a good little straight boy then!"  
  
"What makes you think straight boys keys their mouths shut?" Harry demanded, and then added after a moment's thought, "And what makes you think I'm not one of them?"  
  
"Right and I'm Mary bloody Poppins."  
  
Harry looked shocked for a moment, "You are? Woah! Nice disguise, I mean, I had no idea!"  
  
The Great Pumpkinhead just sighed to itself.  
  
"What? Was it something I said?" Harry looked adorably confused.  
  
"Just keep telling yourself that, kid."  
  
Afterwards Harry decided that The Great Pumpkinhead, defacto King of All Scrumptious Demons, was in fact one of the tastiest he'd ever eaten.  
  
If Hermione Granger had been asked for one of the possible signs of the apocalypse, she might have muttered something about Malfoy exhibiting decent human qualities or Ron studying of his own volition.[i] Doing research in the library with Professor Snape, voluntarily, while not an idea she would have come up with on her own, was definitely another one. It had all started when Snape had cornered her after a particularly demon filled lesson of Potions.  
  
"What do you mean you don't know why he's suddenly started finding and eating demons?" Snape demanded, "Don't you do anything productive with all that time you spend in the library?"  
  
"I would think that studying and homework could be considered productive, Professor," Granger bristled visibly as she continued to pick at her hair. One of the last demons, upon spotting Harry had screamed shrilly, wet itself and exploded all over Hermione, Snape and Ron. Bits of demon were worse than Muggle bubblegum to get out of one's hair.  
  
"It obviously isn't helping with your potions work," Snape sneered before he managed to restrain himself. After a moment to calm back down, he asked his original question again, "Am I the only person who considers it odd that Potter has suddenly started consuming demons from where there were none before? For no apparent reason other than he can?"  
  
Granger didn't say anything but gave Snape a surprised look. He rolled his eyes.  
  
"I should have realized such observations would be lost on a Gryffindor," Snape snorted and turned to walk back to his desk.  
  
"Well, if you must know, I was looking through Hogwarts, A History and noticed something odd," Granger said slowly, angry that she was telling Snape of all people what she'd discovered.  
  
"Well? What is it?" he demanded when the girl paused for a moment. "The book doesn't mention demons once." Granger looked up at Snape expectantly, like this was some world-shaking news.  
  
"I fail to see how that helps, Granger. Unless you're making a list of useless books that have nothing to do with what I'm looking for, then by all means, expound to me about the lack of demons in the book."  
  
Hermione glared.  
  
"Look, the book goes on in detail about all the charms and protections of the castle. What creatures can and can't get into certain areas. It even mentions what subspecies of ghoul are allowed in certain dungeons and the reason one of them was banned from the prefect bathrooms back in 1873 because of a hexing."  
  
"Get to the point, Granger," Snape interrupted before the girl could launch into a full explanation. He could feel a headache hovering on the horizon like the impending doom of a class full of Gryffindors.  
  
"Well, just that, if it's that specific, isn't it a bit odd that demons aren't mentioned once? In the entire book? Forget subspecies, the word 'demon' isn't even mentioned anywhere in the book. It's almost like it's been." Hermione stopped abruptly as the realization dawned on her, she looked around quickly trying to spot either of her two friends.  
  
Snape fought with and lost to the urge to roll his eyes for the second time in less than five minutes. If he hadn't been such a bitter and petty man, he might have smiled. "Five points from Gryffindor for taking so damn long to get the point."  
  
Fawkes was not an overly patient phoenix as far as phoenixes went. On a ranking of the most impatient phoenix's since the dawn of time Fawkes was quite possibly 3rd, but most likely 4th on the list. The most impatient phoenix of course had been Bennu back in the old days of Egypt (this was before Egypt was Egypt and only a collection of a bunch of villages along the Nile). She'd been so impatient for morning she'd rise early each day (it caused all the rage among the other phoenixes who couldn't be bothered to get up until noon or later) and accidentally created a following of Muggles who'd believed she was the chosen bird of their silly sun god. Of course, when the crops had failed they'd thought it might be a good idea to sacrifice her to their god and that was the end of her early morning rising habits. The second of course had been Agenor, who'd been a bit of a king during his time (this was after Kings, but before it was passé to usurp them). He'd been so busy running around and being impatient he'd not even noticed when one of his eggs had been stolen by a local Animagus. One day he'd been caught by a poacher and the term "cocktail" had taken on wholly new sinister meanings. The third had been Feng-huang, who'd gotten drunk one night with a dragon, lost a bet and nearly become the cosmos' bitch. Which left Fawkes with a pretty solid hold on the 4th slot.  
  
The fact that Fawkes wasn't originally a phoenix, of course, did hurt his reputation amongst the other birds some, but these days, who wasn't? If you weren't some poor fool who'd been tricked by an evil witch, you were suffering from a family curse or paying for grievous sins. And of course there was always that poor bugger of a phoenix that got trapped in a magical book. The only real phoenix he knew of that was still around was off in Russia consorting with some Muggle.  
  
It had been almost 6 months since Harry had discovered his demon attracting powers and he still hadn't realized their full meaning or potential. Fawkes was starting to get really annoyed. If the silly boy didn't hurry up (Fawkes was slowly closing in on the 3rd position in the list) and bother to find out why he had this newfound power Fawkes might have to intervene again (the first time, during Harry's second year, had solidified Fawkes' position in 4th).  
  
One of Dumbledore's infernal cleaning demons skittered across the table in front of the phoenix, distracting him from his impatient train of thought. Fawkes clicked his beak disapprovingly and stomped on the ugly thing. The damn demons were everywhere these days. Fawkes really was going to have to do something. Finally giving up all pretenses of patience (and thus passing Feng-huang for 3rd), Fawkes shook himself a little and took off in search of the Boy Who Needed a Clue. The phoenix paused slightly as he caught a glimpse of a crane and wires above him as he started to fly out of Dumbledore's office. He blinked and the image was gone. They always said the vision was the first thing to go (this was after They had started making such claims, but before anyone had figured out just who They were).  
  
Fawkes found Harry shortly after, just as he was packing up his things from Divination with Ron. The rest of the class stopped and gawked as the majestic bird landed on Harry's desk and pecked at his hair.  
  
"What's wrong, Fawkes?" Harry asked, looking up at the bird with concern, "Did something happen?" The other students whispered amongst themselves at Harry's completely unfazed attitude towards Fawkes.  
  
Fawkes nodded and stared at Harry with its beady eyes. Harry blinked slightly then seemed to lose himself in the phoenix's eyes. They continued to stare at each other for several minutes, oblivious to the rest of the world.  
  
The rest of the class fell into a mostly uncomfortable silence as they watched Harry and Fawkes continue to stare into each other's eyes. Professor Trelawney looked up at the sudden silence and let out a soft gasp at the sight of the phoenix. After several minutes Ron cleared this throat. The boy and the bird continued to stare. Occasionally Fawkes would shift slightly, obviously trying to convey something to Harry. Finally, Ron edged over and nudged Harry in the ribs softly.  
  
Harry jumped and looked around, his eyes coming back into focus. Fawkes nodded to himself and started to take off.  
  
"What was that all about, Harry?"  
  
"What was what about?" Harry asked, looking confused and slightly dazed. Fawkes paused and waited to see if Harry had understood what he'd been trying to say.  
  
"The staring contest you just got into with Fawkes," Ron prompted.  
  
"Oh, I have no idea, Fawkes just has really interesting looking eyes. They're rather distracting," Harry said in a perfectly calm voice, indicating he wasn't trying to be funny. Fawkes clicked his beak in annoyance, this wasn't going well at all.  
  
Pavarati rushed forward, "It's a sign, Harry! The Headmaster's phoenix has come down to give you a sign about the future!"  
  
"No, not really," Harry said, uncertainly, "It probably just means Dumbledore wants to see me or that Fawkes was really bored. Right, Fawkes?" Harry turned towards the phoenix and looked at him expectantly. Fawkes shook his head vigorously to the negative, going to Dumbledore was the last thing he wanted.  
  
"See! See!" Pavarati exclaimed breathlessly, "It's come to give you a sign about the future, right Professor?"  
  
Professor Trelawney smiled benevolently down at the Patil twin, "Of course, my dear, you are right. A phoenix is the bird of prophecy, visions that come from phoenixes are especially potent."  
  
Ron snickered slightly when he noticed Fawkes rolling his eyes. Trelawney's glare snapped towards him at the sound and he fell silent quickly.  
  
"Maybe we can guess what he's trying to tell us?" Ron suggested and was almost immediately mauled by the overly enthusiastic bird. Fawkes fluttered back across the desk and looked around. Once Fawkes was sure he had everyone's attention he did his best to act out what he was trying to convey. After a good minute of watching the bird gyrate about, Harry hazarded a guess.  
  
"Dumbledore's fallen down a well and you need us to come rescue him?" Harry asked. Both Ron and Fawkes gave him funny looks. Obviously the Boy Who Lived had been eating too many demons for his own good.[ii]  
  
"Something's happened and you don't want Dumbledore to know?" Neville's timid voice suggested from the back of the lump of students.  
  
Fawkes nodded vigorously and started trying to pantomime out squashing little demons.  
  
"Uh.square dancing?" Harry suggested; trying to figure out exactly the phoenix was doing by hoping about like it was.  
  
"Bizarre mating rituals of demons?" Harry turned to look at Ron, his eyebrows raised. Ron shrugged defensively, "It was the first thing that came to mind." Fawkes waved his wings frantically at the mention of demons, which Ron misinterpreted. "See! I was right! Blimey. But what do a demon's mating rituals have to do with Dumbledore not knowing about something? Gross, are the demons mating now? I could see how Dumbledore'd not want to know, if that's the case. Come to think of it, I don't want to know either. Think Hermione'd Memory Charm me if I asked her, Harry?"  
  
The remaining members of the class discussed it for a moment as Fawkes became even more agitated. This was not going well at all. If Dumbledore found out he had been trying to get Harry onto the right track he was going to be in a world of hurt very soon, but if he didn't the boy wouldn't have a chance.  
  
Fawkes pecked at Harry's hair to return his attention to the subject at hand but Neville interjected again before he could say anything, "Maybe it's got something to do with Snape?"  
  
Everyone turned to Neville in surprise, Fawkes included. He flushed. "Well, Snape does seem like the demon type? And I..." He trailed off and flushed further. "I don't think he," Neville's voice dropped to a whisper, "would ever have sex with a woman."  
  
Harry pictured Snape in the boggart's dress with the vulture hat and found himself shaking his head. "Well, as much as I agree with the sex part, he's not a demon."  
  
"You've checked, have you?" Harry frowned at Ron's question.  
  
"That's really disgusting, Ron."  
  
"And demon mating rituals aren't?"  
  
Fawkes pecked at Harry's ear again, this time a little more viciously. The longer he stayed here the more likely someone, namely Dumbledore, would notice that he'd left his perch in the office.  
  
"Professor," Lavender began in a slightly breathless tone as Pavarati nudged her silently, "perhaps you could try and divine what cosmic message the phoenix is trying to tell us." Fawkes snorted but was completely ignored as Trelawney smiled and whipped out a crystal ball from somewhere inside her desk. Ron and Harry groaned in unison.  
  
The Divinations Professor stared deeply into her crystal ball for several seconds before flinging herself back into her chair dramatically. The first words out of Trelawney's mouth as she straightened back up were, "Death! There is death coming!" She pointed her finger at Harry almost accusingly. Fawkes flew over to the next desk and landed between Harry and Trelawney. He was really starting to get annoyed. Was no one paying attention to anything he was trying to tell them?  
  
Harry rolled his eyes, "Have you not noticed the large number of demons I've been eating recently? Unless they suddenly stop appearing then of course there's death coming." Fawkes hobbled over towards Harry and moved about in a very agitated manner trying to indicate Harry was almost on the right track.  
  
"Wow," Dean marvelled. "He sort of looks like he's doing a partnerless lambada."  
  
"No," Seamus broke in, "It's the electric slide!" If Fawkes had still had hands he would have been pulling out his hair by that point, instead he burst into flame and incinerated into a little pile of ashes. With one great gush of flame Fawkes firmly cemented his spot as the most impatient phoenix of all time.  
  
The last thing he heard before the flames engulfed him was the voice of one of the girls saying, "You were right, Professor, death was coming!"  
  
To Be Continued.  
  
Author notes: This story wouldn't be possible without Koanju, who provided the first line of the story and let me run with it. She's also both directly and indirectly responsible for several of the ideas in this chapter: the Pumpkin King, the Firebird reference, the game of charades, the cocktail and Fawkes' dancing style. The credit goes to Katie for her thoughts on just what Hermione considered the apocalypse to be.  
  
The writing style for the 3rd scene is a pale imitation of S. Morgenstern's satirical style used in his book, The Princess Bride. You've seen the movie, the book is on a completely different level. The over use of parenthesis and comparative lists are a key element to his narratives.  
  
The four phoenixes referenced in the same scene are all from various mythologies from around the world.  
  
Bennu: the sacred bird of Heliopolis and the god Ra in Egyptian mythology, it was also considered the physical manifestation of the God of the Underworld, Osiris. Most stories about Bennu link the bird with the sun, rising each morning from the Nile and burning in its nest at dusk.  
  
Agenor: Son of Poisoden, he later became a Greek king of Phoenicia, in some versions he is called Phoenix (in others he has a son named Phoenix). His daughter, Europa was abducted by Zeus masquerading as a Bull and she bore Minos, Rhad-amanthys, and Sarpedon as a result.  
  
Feng-huang: Ruled over the sky with a dragon in Chinese mythology. The phoenix appears only in peaceful and prosperous times, and hides itself when there is trouble. It rules over the southern quadrant of the sky, the sky is ruled over by 3 other celestial animals, one of whom is the dragon. Feng-huang is sometimes depicted as two birds, a male and female, representing the yin and the yang.  
  
Phoenix stuck in a book: Refers to Suzaku from the Japanese comic Fushigi Yuugi (Mysterious Play), an anthropomorphic god from the fictional book Shijintenshisho (The Universe of the Four Gods) that the main character gets sucked into. Based off of Chinese mythology, Suzaku is depicted as both a phoenix and a red haired god. Suzaku also makes guest appearances in several other series, but Fushigi Yuugi is the only one that has him trapped inside a book. We think he gets paid quite well for the job.  
  
The phoenix consorting with a Muggle: this comes from a Russian fairy tale about a "Firebird," that had been stealing apples from the local Tsar's garden. Ivan, one of the tsar's sons had discovered it, and reported to the Tsar who the thief was. The Tsar ordered the bird captured, and his three sons rode off. He tracks the bird back to it's home, and annoys the firebird's own in his attempt to take it back. Ivan's sent on a quest to kill a sorcerer. Several adventures later, Ivan has a beautiful woman, an awesome horse, and a fierce Gray Wolf companion. He also has his two jealous brothers, who cut off his head. The Wolf gets the Water of Life, Ivan wakes up, goes home, marry the girl and becomes Tsar. It's also told as a ballet, called "L'Oiseau de Feu" (The Firebird) by Igor Sravinsky.  
  
And a big thank you to all the wonderful people who left me reviews for the first chapter, I am in awe that so many of the writers I greatly respect are enjoying this story. ----------------------- 


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